Meet the author: Neil Christopher is an author, human rights, animal rights and environmental activist, and founder of evolition — an interfaith collective focusing on promoting and empowering the emerging conversation in not only Christian churches, but in other faiths as well. Website: http://www.evolitionist.com

Being friends with gay people is nothing new to me; I never really thought much about it. Even though I was the son of a pastor and was raised in a very fundamentalist church setting; something never really sat right in my spirit about the way they viewed homosexual and bisexual people, and even though at that time I had no science or theology to back up my personal convictions – I stuck to them!

My first real encounter was as a Junior in High School. A classmate of mine, that I didn’t really know, “came out” and I found out that he was being attacked for it. It just didn’t sit right with me, so the next day when I walked into the lunchroom and found him sitting alone I came and sat with him. The rest of my friends soon followed suit (I kept good company) and we organized a little “protest” where a bunch of us “straight” guys came to school in drag. First time I ever shaved my chest, and man was that ever itchy. Not recommended.

I have also always been aware of how negative and closed minded gender role stereotypes can be. One of my first girlfriends was always classified by others gay because she was such a tomboy. She looked and acted so much like a boy that when we went out on dates people would drive by yelling “fags” at us for kissing or holding hands. I was also at many times on the other end of that sick because although I attracted to females, I must admit that I am an effeminate male. I don’t play sports, I have a small frame, I love art, music, and was involved in theatre and other such things. I normally got along with girls better than guys, and was always OK with that. I am comfortable in my own skin.

I remember as a Senior having a very popular male athlete in school ask me is I would like to hang out sometime. He was huge, scruffy, attractive… as butch as they get. Nobody would assume that he was gay, but I soon learned that he was. After I explained to him that I was straight, he said he doubted it and that I was just not “out” yet because of my not adhering to certain social roles or expectations. However, he failed to see the irony or the hypocrisy in his assumptions; because there he was, as a very non-effeminate gay male, breaking out of that stereotype but still placing the old ones on me.

It wasn’t until I moved to San Francisco that I really got to see all kinds of walls and boundaries pertaining to this issue come down and get removed. To be honest, over there I never really knew who was what, and was pleased to be living in a place where none of us really gave a damn.

It was here that I also learned something else about homosexuality – if it really is to be taken as a valid expression of love then the same rules apply to it as heterosexuality. Being gay does not mean that you have to be promiscuous; that’s just being promiscuous. Being gay does not mean that you have to be effeminate or butch; that’s an entirely different matter all together. Being gay does not mean that someone is loose or perverted; no more than being straight makes us all faithful saints to our partners and respectful sexually to others. That’s just people being people, and has nothing to do with their sexuality.

It also means (and I know I may piss off a few people here) that if there are people out there living a heterosexual lifestyle due to “nurture” but who were actually born gay and are in the closet, that there are also cases where “nurture” has influenced people who were born straight into a homosexual lifestyle.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I do believe and know that people are born gay or born straight. I know the ethics and the science behind that, and even before I knew the facts I already knew that in my heart. All I am saying is that since homosexuality is on an even playing filed with heterosexuality that it is possible for this situation to occur equally in both circumstances. I see no difference between the two forms of expression and therefore don’t apply different rules to them both. If I did, that would not be equality.

For example, I became friends with a girl in Arizona who identified as a lesbian, but later on expressed interest in me and decided that she must actually be bisexual, and later as straight. We dated, and through getting to know her I soon learned that she never had a real impulse or attraction to females until much later on in her life where a certain circumstance happened that made her distrust men. She now in this day identifies herself as straight. I do not believe this to be the standard, but is a case of a valid exception.

To be fair, we would have to also assume that the opposite is true as well. That there are certain people who were born gay but who are drawn into a heterosexual lifestyle from social pressure, upbringing, fear, religion, past hurts in a homosexual lifestyle, abuse or some other matter. We have a term for this (being in the closet) and a term for getting out of this bad situation (coming out), but many fail to validate and give merit to those on the opposite side of this predicament.

For persons trapped in either side of the closet, I hope that all we really want is for this person to come to love themselves, be happy, and live in an environment where they are free to be who they are: gay, straight or bi. It should be out goal to live in a society where people are free to be happy in their sexual self-expression either way, and it should not be seen as losing one from our team or gaining one to the other. There’s just one team – the human race.

I must admit though, that as open-minded as I am, and as supportive of gay rights that I am, I still have no clue what it would be like to be gay. I care, but I can’t exactly relate. As a human though, we can all identify with our common feelings of pain, loneliness, love, fear, rejection, desire and more recently the frustration that comes from not being able to express or fulfill those desires.

Let me explain… I have a crush on my gay friend. And there is nothing I can do about it.

We can’t choose who we are attracted to, no more than we can choose what colors, smells or foods we like. Not more than we can control when we are hungry, or what we hunger for. It just kind of happens, and it is anything but logical. For if it were logical, I’d just pick or decide to be attracted to someone who could assure me that they would be a good mate to me and fulfill some list of criteria that I have – being straight and actually attracted to me would be pretty high up on that list.

But there I was, minding my own business and enjoying a slam poetry night at a local bar with some friends, when she walked in. I noticed her as soon as the door opened, and just couldn’t take my eyes off her. I’m sure my jaw dropped, and my heart skipped – it raced even more as to my surprise she made her way to where we were all sitting. Oh my God, she knows my friends? And she joined us for the rest of the event.

As she plopped down on the bench and sat cross legged, as I do but unlike all the others, I immediately thought that this was my kind of person. Her shoes were even low-top Vans – hell I even liked the way she smoked and held her cigarette. Was she beautiful? Yes. Was this just physical attraction? No. No I can tell you with all certainty that it was not just that. Yes, she had physical features I find appealing, but many people do and that is not something I generally concentrate on. I don’t have a “type.”

It had more to do with some kind of instinct, emotion, or a gut feeling that she was just a like-spirit. It is more unexplainable that that. And then just to notice the way she sat, talked, smiled, dressed… the way she carried herself – gave out hints and a window into her personality, outlook or “self” that was even more appealing to me. It’s more like meeting someone and immediately knowing that you like them, and then the rest of the conversation/meeting is discovering why.

Oh, but we had not actually talked yet. I was too nervous for that.

We did eventually talk, and for me this is the point when meeting any new person that attraction flies out the window. No matter what I “feel” towards a person upon instinct or first observation, once they open up their mouths and speak if they are boring, annoying, conceited, stupid or ignorant, I no longer hold any kind of attraction towards them. Most pretty people become surprising ugly once they actually speak.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending) this was not the case. She was engaging, captivating, and we soon delved into a conversation so deep and long that the others at the table soon dismissed themselves to find other things to do. By the end of the night, I never assumed that I had found a girl that was interested in me (because I am never that cocky), but I had been assured that I found an awesome new person whose company I certainly did enjoy and that I wanted to know more. But yes, attraction was there – although only from my viewpoint.

For as the group gathered together again to pay our tabs and walk out of the bar, her and another friend of mine grabbed hands and walked out together. Once on the street they embraced, and I came to the realization that her and my friend were dating. Not only is this person taken; not only by a friend of mine, but this friend also happens to be a female. So triple whammy: taken, by friend, and is gay.

I felt kind of stupid and embarrassed. But not shocked. I am very used to everything in life, and was at fault for assuming not only that she was straight, but also that since she was talking to me that this automatically meant there was some kind of interest on her part.

It is a very dumb, male attribute, to assume that just because you meet an awesome person of the opposite sex and feel some kind of connection to them that this for some reason means you are supposed to screw them.

I mean, we meet cool people all the time, and it is not like we apply this same “logic” the rest of the great individuals we meet. I have met many males with whom I felt were like-minded spirits, but did I try to screw them? No. Or what about a much older or much younger person? Not at all. So I slapped myself upside the head for falling into the trap of douche-bag male, and decided that I would place attraction aside and if this person still wanted to get to know me as just a person, that I was totally game for that.

Some time has gone by since then, and I never really thought about “liking” her again. That was simply off limits, and I have been really enjoying getting to know her as a person. The more we talked and hung out the more I knew my first instincts were right – she is simply an amazing person and I’m so happy to know her. I look forward to seeing her, love to hear what she has to say in any conversation, and when having a bad night out I seem to pick up as soon as she enters the room. Once we get talking about life, religion, politics… whatever – it lasts for hours and hours on end. I always walk away from those moments feeling better as a person for it and thrilled to simply know her.

Something happened though a few nights ago. We always hang out in public, in group settings, but the other night we just hung out alone for the first time at my place. I didn’t really think about it, but I was nervous. It was not some conscious thing, but I cleaned the house, made sure I looked halfway decent, and was a bundle of nerves. When she first came in it even took me a while to feel comfortable enough to sit down on the same couch as her. I felt very awkward, but I could not figure out why. It’s just my buddy who came over. So what’s all the fuss about?

Eventually I chilled out, and we got to our normal talking and swapping of life stories. Towards the end of the night the topic switched to her personal story of “coming out”; what lead to that, her life before that, and her life as it is now.

She talked about trying to be with guys before, and how some of them were perfectly nice guys; attractive, loving, caring, and faithful – whatever. But how there was just always something missing, incomplete, and something in her gut that was never happy, until now of course. I was trying to relate it that, as best as I could as a straight person, but I didn’t really “get it”… yet. I had sympathy but not empathy.

The conversation then changed to sexual tension and frustration. She spent some time trying to explain to me how hard it is for a gay person to really be able to express themselves in this world we live in. I mean, imaging living in a world where you feel as though you can’t act out on some of the simplest, base desires? To be that kid in High School who feels attracted to your friend of the same sex but is too afraid to even let them know. To be afraid of how they would take it, of how it could end the friendship, of knowing that it is off limits – imagine the amount of frustration and the swallowing of emotions that must take place; the suppression.

Imagine having a desire that you feel as though you can’t act out on, and not a bad one, but one as pure and simple as love itself. Imagine feeling as though it would be wrong to do it, and living in a society where the odds are that the other person will probably not feel the same way. To make it even worse, one where still many people today treat it as though it is a sickness – that it makes you either a bad person, or at least a broken one in need of some fixing.

It was then that I was hit with a realization that quickly moved me sympathy to empathy. Because as I looked at her I realized that, despite whatever I had told myself going into this, I was still attracted to her.

I felt empathy, because I realized that I know, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I feel this but can never act out on it. She will never feel the same way, I have been hiding it, suppressing it, and it has been eating me up inside. I too have been living a bit of a lie. I also understood at that moment that just as I can never change the fact that I am attracted to her, she can never change the fact that she is attracted to women, and never will be to me. I saw her, for a brief second, as a male that I was attracted to who was only attracted to females and felt a glimpse of something I never really understood before.

I cannot mentally will these feelings away, or replace it with logic; no more than she can will herself into an emotion for me or any other man. Hell, considering the times we live in and the amount of pressure and oppression to gay culture if they could, wouldn’t many have “willed away” certain feelings? For me the only risk is a bit of a broken heart, but for them it can mean a loss of family, religion, friends, jobs, fear, hate, insults and even physical harm. No. Nobody chooses to be gay.

Am I a crappy friend for finding this person attractive? Do I need to feel guilt for a certain uncontrollable impulse or emotion? For being wired the way that I am wired? I think not. No more than they can help or control their non-interest in, have no reason to feel bad over it, and cannot change or control their situation or feelings.

I have always been friends with, supportive of, and an advocate for the gay community. But it has always been as an outsider, as someone who has no way of fully understanding what it is that you are going through. And I am still that outsider, but today I can tell you that I understand a little bit more; because we are all humans, and we all share the same basic human needs and emotions. I don’t understand the scale of the things you are going though, but I know what it is like to love, to want to be accepted, desired, to feel pain, rejection or fear.

I believe in a God who loves us all, and I am thankful for this and many other life-lessons Life has put me through to turn me into a more compassionate individual. I believe that God is always trying to work in this world in different ways to bring about positive change in the way we humans all get along and deal with one another. I believe that He/She is always speaking; I only pray that more people begin to listen.

So what’s next for me and my friend? I don’t really know. I have to get over the fact that I desire them and enjoy their company as a human being. I don’t believe that’s “settling” more than evolving. Hopefully they will be patient with me, and understand that there is nothing I can do about my attraction for females no more than they can do anything about their attraction towards females. Hell, there’s yet one more thing we have in common.

Thanks God for the life lesson, but maybe next time you can just send a good book my way or something? This one stung a little bit.

Meet the author: Neil Christopher is an author, human rights, animal rights and environmental activist, and founder of evolition — an interfaith collective focusing on promoting and empowering the emerging conversation in not only Christian churches, but in other faiths as well. Website: http://www.evolitionist.com